Rupture and Repair in Relationships
By: Kim Hedaya, LCAT
At the core of human relationships is the concept of attachment: seeking closeness and support from attachment figures in times of difficulty or distress. In infancy and childhood, the primary caregiver serves as a secure base, physically and emotionally, from which the child can explore. This attachment builds the foundation and shapes one's interactions and relationships throughout one's life.
The Rupture/Repair cycle is a fundamental concept in attachment theory. Simply put, a rupture is when two people are misaligned. It is a moment of disconnect. This often causes tension, conflict, and feelings of discomfort. An example of this could be a parent setting a limit, resulting in a tantrum. Healthy parent-child attachment does not mean perfect parenting or a lack of ruptures; it's quite the opposite. There will inevitably be moments when the parent and child will not see eye to eye. However, our approach and response to those challenges shape the attachment relationship. Some ruptures are more significant than others, but all ruptures can be repaired.
Repair can be described as reconnection, a willingness, and openness to come back together and navigate a challenge as a unit. This can include acknowledging the conflict, apologizing, or setting up a plan for future situations. It can also include supporting your child through co-regulation, such as giving them a hug or pausing to be present with one another. There is no single way to repair, just as there is no single way for individuals to connect. However, repair is best done in calm moments, when parent and child are emotionally regulated. This might not happen immediately, and that is okay. Time is not limited to effectively repair; you can always revisit these moments with your child and repair in a way that feels best to you both.
A safe cycle of rupture and repair deepens and strengthens the parent-child bond. Healthy implementation of this practice can facilitate a child's growth in learning to take accountability and ownership over their decisions and actions. It provides a model for approaching moments of unexpected challenge, forgiving ourselves for being human, and working towards reconnecting with those we may have hurt in our path. Overall, rupture and repair fosters more open communication and connection. We rarely hear about embracing the more imperfect parts of parenting, the ones where we lose our cool or our child unravels. Reframing these messier moments as opportunities for growth and bonding is the power of repair.
References:
Bowlby, J. (1988). A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development. New York: Basic Books
Tronick, E. (1989). Emotions and Emotional Communication in Infants. American Psychologist. Vol.44(2): 112-119
Winnicott, D. (1953). Transitional objects and transitional phenomena, International Journal of Psychoanalysis, 34:89-97
