The Power of Connection
By: Alexa Algios, PsyD
All children are different and have their own unique needs. However, one thing that all children need is connection. Building and fostering a strong parent-child relationship from an early age will be the foundation of a child’s development and the key for their success throughout life. While attachment relationships are formed at an early age, it is never too late to strengthen and improve the connection between a parent and child.
How a parent connects to their child looks different at each developmental stage. During the first year of life, connection is focused on being attuned and responsive to the child’s emotional and physical needs, such as soothing them when they are upset and feeding them when they are hungry. The attachment relationship between a parent and child at this developmental stage has a significant impact on a child’s neurobiology, including the development of brain areas that play an important role in a child’s emotion regulation and emotional reactivity. The connection that is formed during these early stages of development will be the foundation for children feeling confident as they begin exploring the world. Even as children get older and become increasingly independent, they need their parents to act as a secure base to feel grounded and safe enough for this phase of exploration.
How do parents foster a strong and positive connection with their children? The first ingredient is time. While this can be challenging, particularly as children grow older and spend an increasing amount of time outside of the home, spending time together is a critical component of any relationship. In addition to creating more time together, parents need to provide opportunities for children to receive their full, undivided attention. One way for parents to do this is by creating “special time” with their child. This is when a parent sets aside a specified amount of time, ideally each day, where they focus on being present and connecting with their child. For younger children, “special time” will primarily focus on playing since play is how children communicate and connect with others. Some tips for parents to keep in mind when playing with their children during “special time” are:
Time: Set a timer for about 10-15 minutes to clearly indicate when “special time” starts and ends. “Special time” requires a parent’s full attention and the rules of “special time” may not always apply to everyday life. Therefore, having clear boundaries of when it starts and ends is important.
Consistency: Make “special time” happen at the same time each day, if possible. If it is not possible to have “special time” every day, make a schedule so that it is predictable for the child.
Child-led: Parents should follow their child’s lead during the play. This will give the child a unique opportunity to be in charge and make the decisions, which is not always an experience they get in their day to day lives.
Praise: Provide specific praise for positive behaviors. Children feel good when they get positive attention from their parents and providing praise during “special time” will help strengthen the relationship and reinforce positive behaviors.
Imitate: Copying what a child is doing during play can also help reinforce positive behaviors and shows the child that you are following their lead.
Describe and Reflect: When a parent describes what a child is doing during play or repeats back what a child says, it signals to the child that their parent is paying attention, actively listening, and interested in what the child is doing.
Enthusiasm: Showing enthusiasm helps children feel like their parents are excited about playing with them and having fun!
Limit questions, directions, and criticism: Playing during “special time” should focus on following the child’s lead and creating positive interactions between a parent and child. Asking questions, providing directions, or criticizing a child can take the lead away from them and potentially create conflict. During “special time” it is important to stay focused on the positive, which includes ignoring minor misbehaviors if the child is maintaining safety.
In addition to play, there are countless other ways for parents to foster parent-child attachment and parents can incorporate connection into everyday routines that otherwise tend to be task oriented, such as getting ready for school in the morning or transitioning from one activity to another. For older children, “special time” might be taking a walk together, going for a bike ride, playing board games, cooking dinner, or having a catch. Some children are more challenging to connect with due to their temperament or other unique needs. However, it is important to remember this does not mean these children do not want to connect, but it may require more creativity to find ways of connecting with them. No matter the age or the temperament of the child, a close connection will ensure that children continue to use their parents as a secure base and source of guidance throughout their teenage years.
The connection between a parent and child is also critical when encountering challenging or problematic behavior and can help make these challenging moments go more smoothly. Setting limits and boundaries are an inevitable part of parenting. However, when parents build a strong connection with their child, it increases the child’s ability to trust them and feel confident they are on their side, making them more likely to cooperate with their parent’s demands. Limit setting can also be approached with care, warmth, and empathy, which both fosters the parent-child relationship and makes children more likely to comply. All relationships will have negative interactions and conflict from time to time. However, the more positive experiences a parent can create with their child, the easier it will be to rebound from these moments of tension.
Resources
Markham, L. (2012) Peaceful parent, happy kids: How to stop yelling and start connecting. Penguin Group.
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2019, November 5). Special playtime. https://www.cdc.gov/parents/essentials/toddlersandpreschoolers/communication/specialplaytime.html
