Grieving During the Holidays
By: Elsa Obus, Ph.D.
Grief is a natural reaction to loss. Losses and other big life changes can dramatically impact our lives and grieving is the way in which our bodies and minds process, understand, and learn to navigate these changes. Despite the naturalness of grief reactions, the feelings that come along with grief can be overwhelming, isolating, and uncomfortable. Anyone who has experienced grief will tell you that grief emotions come in waves. Some moments you may feel okay and then suddenly the smell of a stranger’s perfume, the sound of a favorite song, or the thought of a passing memory sends you reeling back in time. That being said, while grief reactions come at all times, holidays can especially elevate our feelings of grief.
Why can holidays be such a difficult time for grieving? It has a lot to do with grief reminders. Grief reminders are people, places, things, and activities that remind us of the person we are missing. Holidays are typically filled with grief reminders as we encounter family members who remind us of them, return to places where we spent time with them, and engage with traditions and objects that we associate with them. A tricky facet of grief is that the opposite is true as well – noticing who is not at the table, going to a new or unfamiliar place, and missing some of our traditional activities can also elevate our feelings of grief.
While my work as a grief therapist often focuses on losses from death, it is important to note that we grieve many other types of losses and transitions as well. Holiday changes due to separation, divorce, illness, or even going away to college, having a first holiday with in-laws, or a last holiday in a beloved house can all lead to feelings of grief as well. If you are dealing with grief in any of its forms this holiday season, some of the suggestions below may help you cope with grief reminders and feel connected through the holiday season.
Grief is multiple emotions
First things first, what is grief? A misconception many people have is that grief is just one feeling and most often people believe that feeling is sad. The reality is grief is made up of many feelings. One of the reasons grief can be so overwhelming is because we are hit by multiple emotions at once. One activity that can help you unpack the multiple emotions of grief is drawing or thinking through your own “yarn ball of grief” (see examples below). Taking the time to draw out or name the different feelings that you experience as part of your personal ball of grief allows you to process these distinct feelings and related thoughts, instead of feeling the overwhelm that comes with experiencing many different emotions all at once. Maybe you’re feeling disappointed that holiday traditions are changing, angry or lonely when others are not grieving similarly to you, or anxious about being unable to predict how you will feel. To be honest, most of our grief balls also include some of the more comfortable emotions as well. Maybe you also feel joyful or grateful about who you get to spend the holidays with. Maybe you are relieved about some of the changes that have happened. Noticing these separate emotions allows you to make plans that honor your different needs and can help you feel more grounded.
A goal of grief is staying connected
In addition to involving a mix of emotions, another reason grief can be so difficult is because while a person may no longer physically be in our life, the connections we had to them remain. It can be helpful to identify these maintained connections, which we often refer to as continuing bonds. Continuing bonds describe the ways that we choose to stay connected and, much like grief reminders, can include people, places, objects, and activities that provide an opportunity to release some of our pent up grief feelings.
In my time as a grief therapist, I have heard from people of all ages about how they choose to stay connected and form continuing bonds. Many families set aside time to name the people who they wish could be sitting at the table or share favorite memories of them. Many have told me about using the candles or ornaments or platters or Haggadahs or recipes that have been passed down to them through the years. A 13-year-old once told me “My grandma was one of the kindest people I know, and she was always taking care of other people. That’s why I like donating to charities during the holidays. It helps me feel like I’m being like her.” Continuing bonds can be private activities you do to feel connected or group activities you do to remember together. Spending some purposeful time before the holidays thinking about how you would like to engage with your continuing bonds can help you feel more connected and prepared.
There are no “shoulds” in grief
This one may seem ironic after just reading an article listing some things I think you should do when grieving during the holidays, but it is important to note that grief is an incredibly unique experience. Even within one family, people can and often do grieve in completely different ways. People feel different emotions within their grief ball and people choose different ways to remain connected. Many people feel pressured by societal norms and influences to grieve in a certain way. If you take nothing else from this article today, please remember this: the way you chose to grieve is up to you and there is no one right way to do it.
Relatedly, there is no timeline to grief. Many people have heard about Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’ 5 Stages of Grief. While, as we discussed above, feelings and behaviors associated with denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance can all be part of anyone’s ball of grief, it is incorrect to believe that our grief will involve walking through each of these stages in order and reaching an acceptance conclusion. Grief is much more like a twisty turny pathway than a five stage progression. Whether this is your first, fifth, or twentieth holiday since a loss, feelings of grief will resurface, although you may greet them differently depending where along the path of grief you are.
I have found that a particularly helpful way to think about the path through grief comes from the image below, which states “People think that grief slowly gets smaller with time. In reality, grief stays the same size, but slowly life begins to grow bigger around it.” It can be so hard to continue moving forward through the holidays while dealing with grief, but every time we celebrate a new holiday, enjoy new traditions, or share memories from the past we are continuing to grow around our grief and fill our lives with meaningful experiences. We do not have to worry that our grief, and the connections that caused it, will disappear. Rather, we can move forward knowing that grief and full lives can co-exist together.
