Book Recommendation: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents
By: Allyn Pivar, PsyD
“I felt like I should have known what my parent wanted without being told”
“I was trying harder to understand my parent than my parent was trying to understand me" (p. 50)
In my years of practice I’ve worked with a lot of people who’ve had very confusing relationships with their parents who may have provided for their physical needs but not necessarily their emotional needs. It can be challenging to identify what was missing in these relationships and to talk about our parents’ limitations when, on the whole, they took pretty good care of us. A great deal of my interest in studying and practicing psychology stemmed from confusing interpersonal relationships and interactions that I experienced throughout my life. I realize that a lot of my clients’ and my own confusion occurs when emotions are absent from the conversation.
I recently came across the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, by Lindsay C. Gibson, PsyD. Dr. Gibson provides an excellent framework for understanding why certain relationships and interactions are so confusing. She asserts that emotional maturity is the missing ingredient and that with an understanding of this concept and how it plays out in parent/child relationships we can find compassion for ourselves and our parents. We can also learn to change the patterns and dynamics in these relationships in order to find our authentic selves, have realistic expectations and make intentional and empowered choices for how to proceed.
Emotionally mature parents develop emotional intimacy with their children. Emotional intimacy involves knowing that you can go to someone about anything. You can feel confident that your parent will be comfortable with your emotions and interested in your inner experiences. It is safe to open up to emotionally mature parents because you know you won’t be judged and you will be seen as who you really are. This can only exist “with parents who’ve developed enough self-awareness to be comfortable with their own feelings” (p. 8) and can be emotionally attuned to their children.
Without emotional intimacy, children experience emotional loneliness which leads to feelings of emptiness or being alone in the world. Emotionally immature parents are self-preoccupied and don’t notice children’s inner experiences. “They discount feelings, and they fear emotional intimacy. They’re uncomfortable with their own emotional needs and therefore have no idea how to offer support at an emotional level” (p. 9).
Children feel the impact of emotional loneliness but don’t necessarily understand it. Connection to a parent or caregiver is essential for survival. Thus children engage, generally subconsciously, in various strategies in order to cope with emotional loneliness. Children do whatever they can to create connection, often putting other people’s needs ahead of their own, sometimes to the point of pushing their own needs out of awareness. Children with emotionally immature parents will play whatever roles they believe their parents want them to play. Because their parents don’t validate their feelings, they don’t learn to trust their own instincts or to tune in to their own internal experiences. They may lack self-confidence and may experience symptoms such as anxiety and depression as a result of pushing away their own thoughts and feelings. They may even feel guilty for being unhappy (p. 11-22)
“Emotionally immature parents fear genuine emotion and pull back from emotional closeness. They use coping mechanisms that resist reality rather than dealing with it. They don’t welcome self-reflection, so they rarely accept blame or apologize. Their immaturity makes them inconsistent and emotionally unreliable, and they’re blind to their children’s needs once their own agenda comes into play….children’s emotional needs will almost always lose out to the parents’ own survival instincts” (p. 1).
Emotionally immature parents tend to have low tolerance for stress. This can manifest as low tolerance for their own distress and their children’s distress. This impedes their children’s ability to learn that distress is a normal part of life, to feel competent to survive their own distress by self-regulating and to learn to problem-solve effectively.
The lack of self-reflection that leads to a lack of accountability is not only incredibly frustrating, but it also means that these parents aren’t modeling healthy repair. Their children may feel that mistakes are not acceptable and they do not learn to apologize or to take accountability for their actions.
Emotionally immature parents display little respect for differences, lack empathy and can be emotionally insensitive. These traits lead to the above referenced invalidation of their children’s emotions and inner experiences. Children may be admonished, mocked or rejected for the ways in which they differ from their parents. They don’t feel seen or understood and they often internalize the invalidation and develop intense inner critics.
In contrast, emotionally mature parents are able to self-reflect and learn, respect boundaries, apologize, accept reality and be truthful. They don’t take everything personally and are able to accept differences. They are more even tempered and consistent which makes them safe and reliable. They can give and receive comfort and be direct about their needs and expectations and they can problem solve in realistic and direct ways.
Dr. Gibson encourages healing from these experiences through finding our true selves and getting in touch with our authentic wants, needs and emotions. She promotes learning to approach interactions with detached observation in order to keep hold of our own thoughts and feelings and prevent ourselves from getting swept up in old patterns.
I have found Dr. Gibson’s framing of emotional maturity to be extremely valuable in my work with clients and in my personal life. I believe that many, if not most, of us are and were raised by emotionally immature parents. If we’re not aware of this concept and we’re not doing the work to heal ourselves from these patterns, we are likely not moving towards greater emotional maturity ourselves. Thus repeating the cycle by struggling to guide our children towards their own emotional growth and maturity. For more depth and breadth on this topic I highly recommend Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson, PsyD.
