Using Play to Support Your Child's Healthy Expression of Anger
By: Hesper Juhnke, LCAT
At first glance anger and aggression in play can seem very alarming. Your sweet, young baby has transformed into a toddler who likes to pull the heads off of dolls, or into a child who gets joy out of punching you in the stomach. Their art may show imagery of fighting and blood, or they might only want to aggressively wrestle with their friends. Where does this come from? Is it anything to worry about?
Understandably, many parents express concerns about the level of aggression or violence in their child’s play. The good news is anger, aggression, and symbolic violence are all a natural, developmentally appropriate part of any child’s play, and have a lot of healthy benefits.
Growing physical strength
As kids develop, they are constantly navigating the limits of their new abilities. It’s important for kids to be able to explore the potential of their physical strength, as well as test limits in social interactions.
Power and control
Kids are constantly adjusting to rules and restrictions put on them by the adults in their lives. While these rules are important to keep them safe, they often leave kids feeling powerless. Performing a powerful role - a king who can banish their parents with fire powers! - gives them a healthy way to play with having control. This outlet can lead to fewer power struggles in the day-to-day.
Processing their experiences
Play is how kids process and understand the world around them. Kids will play out going to school, putting a baby to bed, or going to the doctor. Given the degree of verbal and physical violence in our current climate, it’s not surprising that kids might play out some of what they see/hear as a way of making sense of it.
Healthy expression
All feelings have a purpose, and none of them are bad. However, we often malign anger out of our own discomfort. And understandably so! Anger and its close friend, violence, can lead to a lot of pain and suffering. But when a child is expressing anger in their play, they are doing it symbolically. Children are going to be angry sometimes, and play is a healthy way to explore, express, and move through their feelings.
Some tips for engaging with healthy expressions of aggression:
Confirm Consent
It’s crucial that any child who is engaging in play does so with the consent of everyone involved. If one child wants to wrestle but the other child feels scared, this is not play. If you or your child are being physically harmed by their exuberant play, it’s not play. Have conversations with your child about recognizing “no’s” from others. Be clear about your own boundaries, and end play when you are no longer comfortable.
Set Limits
In the same vein, it’s important to define the limits around play. In therapy, the first thing I establish is keeping our bodies and the room safe. I make sure we both know that if one of us says “stop,” we both stop the play right away. You can also clarify when and where different kinds of play are appropriate. For example, you might say “We can play Tackle the Zombie at home because we know this game, but this isn’t a game for school.” or “This isn’t the time for wrestling because there are lots of breakable things in this room. Why don’t we go to the living room and put down some mats?” Briefly explaining why the limit is set will help them develop their own sense of when, where, and how to play appropriately.
Redirect
If a kid gets overstimulated in their play, it can sometimes be hard for them to stop. This is often connected to the desire to explore their sense of power and control! My favorite way to redirect this impulse is by offering the kid an alternative option that still meets this need. For example, a kid tempted by the desire to break something can tear up a piece of paper instead. A kid who seems delighted when they push their parent too hard can be given a pillow to push. Even better, you can respond to the pillow being hit as if you’re being hit (“Ooof, that was quite a punch!). You can also encourage them to do “superhero punches” where they punch the air, and you exaggeratedly respond as if you’ve been hit. This often leads to lots of delight and giggles.
Transition out
To help kids transition out of play, you can offer some grounded physical stimulation. Some kids might respond to physicalized deep breathing like rainbow breaths, deep pressure like a bear hug, or connecting pressure like hand to hand pushing.
Therapy, Developmental Transformations, and Anger
If you find that your kid is having trouble with aggressive play, or you’re feeling overwhelmed by it, this would be a great thing to discuss with a therapist. For some kids, play can showcase some of their underlying challenges. Some may struggle with self-regulation that leads to over-exuberant play, while others may have anxiety that leads to mid-play meltdowns. Child-centered approaches, such as play therapy, can utilize a child’s natural tendencies to help them work through these struggles. One of my favorite approaches, Developmental Transformations (DvT), uses dramatic play to work through difficult or “unplayable” feelings. DvT uses these “unplayable issues [to] helps us to understand them more fully, control them more flexibly, and feel less overwhelmed by them...[p]lay confronts the ramifications of our behaviors without danger.” (Dintino et al., 2015). Because it’s both a physical and verbal approach, it also helps a client practice self-regulation, grounding, and attachment. As a therapist, I love using DvT as a way of working with, understanding and transforming aggressive play.
At the end of the day, the important thing to remember is that anger, aggressive impulses, and symbolic violence are all parts of a healthy emotional experience. This is a great reminder for us adults, as we often have complicated relationships with our own anger. Finding ways to positively engage with childrens’ aggressive play is a great way to meet kids where they are, stay connected, and help kids have a healthy relationship with their feelings.
References and Resources
Breathing Exercises for Kids - Rainbow Breathing - Mental Wellbeing
Intro to Creative Arts Therapy at Interactive Discovery
Does Aggressive Play Give You the Willies?
Adventurous Play as a Mechanism for Reducing Risk for Childhood Anxiety: A Conceptual Model
A Brain Motivated to Play: Insights into the Neurobiology of Playfulness
