Attachment Focused Communication and Relational Mapping in Couples Work
By: Lynn Almon, LMHC
"We are here today because we always have basically the same fight, just with different variables involved. It's full of blame and yet, often predictable. We are interested in being more connected and having healthier communication."
This is a typical discussion that occurs within the first session with a couple in the infancy of their therapeutic relationship. Both partners present with an eagerness to change, however they rationalize blame towards the other in these "interpersonal vicious cycles," according to Dr. Leon J. Saul. Despite the conflict continuing, a balance often forms within this dysregulated communication. These relational dynamics are often long-standing and need to be unpacked to understand their underlying causes.
According to Nancy McWilliams's work in Psychoanalytic Case Formulation, identification of these “internalized object-relations'' early on in treatment, if not within the first session, can help identify these patterns in relationships within the therapeutic work, ultimately leading to healthier communication. Intimate relationships can take on many forms: close friendships, partnerships, family units, siblings, and parent-child dynamics. Identifying these relational patterns within the intimate relationship can also lend itself to forming a full spectrum of healthier relationships in one's life.
Identifying these co-existing relational templates in short-term or long-term couples therapy can initially spark defenses to arise due to these conflicts existing in this dysregulated state for quite some time, if not the whole duration of the relationship. Blame, feelings of a lack of emotional safety, and an unconscious need to heal prior childhood relationships often surface at this stage. This predictable cycle keeps the couple stuck in the same patterns of reacting without insight into what is actually occurring. The role of the therapist is to help each member of the couple compassionately reimagine the other, leading to co-regulation between both members.
Identifying these patterns needs to happen within a safe and attached therapeutic space in which both members of the couple feel seen, validated, and accepted. The therapist would model the idea of attachment and hope, leading to the development and evolution of safe emotional patterns for the couple. Often, the patterns tend to identify themselves within the initial exploration of the couple's family-of-origin relationships. As the couples’ sessions progress, insight into how these early developmental patterns tend to repeat themselves in the couple's lives will begin to emerge. Nedra Fetterman, Ph.D., describes the stages of a couples relationship in her recent training called "Unraveling Frustration in Couples Therapy: A Dialogical and Interactive Process," as, "stages of symbiosis, struggle, awakening, and mature love."
With support from the therapist, the couple can explore their original connection. However, common “roles” have emerged at this point within their disagreements. These roles can shift at times and are often described by clinicians as "hats they wear, or parts they play." Eric Berne's interpretation of these typical roles is described in his "transactional analysis" theme in which partners portray various parts that shift with the impact of the other. Often, despite the practitioner's approach and belief as to the origin of these roles, most observe these relationships as scripts or narratives of past relationships of importance in clients' lives. It is as if the relationships have layers to them. They begin early in one's development and transform into the next intimate relationship with the same, but often more complex, number of "internalized object-relations," increasing as the layers intertwine. I almost picture it as circles that spiral from our early development and merge within our relationships as we grow. If we can identify these early developmental patterns, we can find their origin, and therefore identify the current dynamics that play out within the current partnership. Ideally, this conscious identification of these communication patterns leads to more emotional awareness, self-regulation, co-regulation, compassion, and flexibility within our communication.
Of note is the idea of relational mapping or identification of all the parts of the couple's inner and external world of past and present relationships. Discussing and role modeling healthy and flexible attachment by the therapist can lead to insight into the evolving relationship within each couple's unique framework. Each client will then relate to the therapist, to each other, and to the relationship as a unit, so that they all co-exist in the couples work. This makes for a layered system of relationships stemming from our earliest development to the moving parts or roles we play, up to the present moment.
Relational mapping is a technique in couples work that helps enhance insight into the partner's communication styles that exist historically and directly connect to the current forms of relating to each other. Following the identification of this power struggle or polarization, sketching a relational map can be valuable to gain insight into the various parts or members "in the room". This mapping process contains the different parts we play and how each member or role may impact the other. A tangible drawing to view and revisit over time in the couples work together can be helpful as a visual or symbolic representation. Imprinting new methods of connecting in healthier and more compassionate ways can then be seen. This type of relational mapping can also enhance a visual memory neurobiologically to enhance co-regulation and ingrained insight. Often, unconscious dynamics of our past internalized object relations play out in the present, and visually mapping these patterns can help to create awareness and insight change. This map can be examined as a point of reference to continue to discuss and consciously review throughout the couples work with their therapist.
In order for this attachment-focused communication work to occur in a couples relationship, emotional safety and connection needs to be established. While this communication pattern is being role modeled by their therapist, it can initially be dynamic and confusing at times. However, it is also a place for safety for the couple to identify the already pre-existing interplay between each other and the desire to understand its repetition. Ultimately, it's as if the couple is ready to treat themselves with identification of their past relationships and incorporate this knowledge into the sessions in the here and now. This present moment awareness can lend itself to validation and understanding of each member's point of view and how they can coexist in harmony.
References:
McWilliams, N. (1999). Psychoanalytic Case Formulation. New York: Guilford Press.
Saul, L. (1972). Psychodynamically Based Psychotherapy. New York: Science House, Inc.
Giulio Cesare Zavattini, Barbara Bianchini, Marina Capello, Laura Dallanegra, Maria Adelaide Lupinacci, Fabio Monguzzi, Lidia Vitalini. (2015). Talking with Couples: Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy of the Couple Relationship. The Harris Meltzer Trust: Karnac Books.
Meyers, L. (2016). The relationship as client. Counseling Today, 59(4), 23-31.
Nedra Fetterman, Ph.D, “Unraveling Frustration in Couples Therapy: A Dialogical and Interactive Process”, Training Webinar (2023)
