Nurturing "Power With" in Relationships: Balancing Collaboration, Respect, and Intimacy
By: Julia Albores, LCSW-R
As a couple and family therapist, I am deeply interested in understanding power dynamics within relationships and, more importantly, finding ways to harness power positively. Power is often associated with control or dominance, a concept we can refer to as "power over." However, "power with"—which emphasizes collaboration, mutual respect, and shared decision-making—is a more desirable form of power for building healthy relationships. While "power with" sounds more appealing than "power over," it can be difficult to define and recognize in practice.
Most of us learn from early life examples how to engage in "power over." In these models, there is a clear winner and a clear loser; someone dominates while someone else concedes. This dynamic creates distance and disconnection, fostering feelings of resentment and regret. For this reason, many people find engaging with power to be intimidating and uncomfortable. However, it's essential to recognize that the way we wield power can profoundly affect our sense of satisfaction in relationships and interactions with others.
Embracing "power with" means recognizing the inherent power dynamics in relationships and actively working to share and distribute power equitably. This approach fosters collaboration, trust, and mutual respect, leading to stronger and more meaningful connections. It transforms power from a source of conflict into a tool for cooperation and connection.
In romantic relationships, power and desire are interconnected. Longing and desire drive us toward the goals of connection and intimacy. Negotiating these goals requires exercising power: the power to ask for what you want, the power to communicate your needs clearly, and the power to guide your partner in meeting your needs. You can't have power without wanting something. Leaning into power allows you to lean into the relationship. Mastering "power with" brings about greater intimacy and the freedom to be yourself. With each successful negotiation, you learn to trust that you can come to the relationship with your full desire.
Here are some things that we can do to foster more ‘power with’ in our relationships:
Make a Commitment to Practice More Compassion and Curiosity: This is not always easy, but increasing compassion and curiosity for yourself and others enhances your capacity to solve problems together. When we engage in a dynamic of "power over," we essentially feel compelled to protect ourselves from the threat of losing. This hinders our ability to think flexibly, understand others' perspectives, and problem-solve. By cultivating compassion and curiosity, we create a more open and collaborative environment where solutions can be more easily found.
Compassion and curiosity help calm our bodies, allowing us to engage in collaboration and problem-solving. Pay attention to your body; if you start to feel activated, take a deep breath, slow down, and try to bring yourself back to a state of compassion and curiosity. Remember, listening with curiosity does not mean you agree with everything your partner is saying. However, listening and being heard create a sense of trust and safety, enabling you to work on solutions together.
Define Goals Together: "Power with" is a collaborative process that begins with defining a shared goal. It's important to focus on what you would like to work toward rather than on defining the problem, which can be a more fraught and less fruitful endeavor.
A common mistake couples make is to take action toward a goal that has not yet been clearly and collaboratively defined. When this happens, you are likely to have slight differences of opinion about the goals. These slight differences can create significant barriers if not addressed first. Essentially, you might end up working toward two slightly different goals. To avoid this, check and recheck to ensure you are both aiming toward the same goal. Over time, you will learn to recognize the opportunity that lies in the gap between your ideas and your partner’s. This gap can be a space for building connection and deeper understanding, ultimately strengthening the collaborative effort in your relationship.
Turn Your Complaint into an “Ask”: When you are frustrated or angry, start by practicing curiosity to understand what your anger is trying to tell you. What is the underlying need or want that is surfacing? There is power in identifying what you want and learning how to ask for it. Remember, your "ask" is the beginning of a negotiation. By transforming a complaint into a constructive request, you open the door to dialogue and collaboration.
Work on Finding the Middle: The middle is where both people get enough of what they need or want. Once you know what you want, you can start to imagine where you might have some flexibility and what you can let go of while still feeling satisfied. Focusing on getting "enough" allows you to flex your thinking and find a solution that meets the needs of both people. When we rigidly focus on a single outcome, we miss other possible routes to satisfaction and end up in a stalemate where no one gets their needs met. Ask yourself, "Is there a modified version of my request that still meets my needs?" This shift in perspective values collaboration and mutual satisfaction, making it easier to find common ground.
Try Not to Get Stuck Proving Right and Wrong: This is a common pitfall in couples' conflicts. The flawed thinking is that if you can convince your partner how right you are and how wrong they are, you will ultimately get what you most want and need. However, this rarely works out. Litigating right and wrong leads to a win-lose scenario, which creates more defensiveness and less collaboration. When we become defensive, we focus on not losing and dig our heels in deeper. Proving right and wrong is not collaborative and does not solve problems. If you catch yourself in this proving mode, it is a clear signal that you have moved out of a "power with" stance and away from collaboration. Instead, shift your focus back to finding a solution that works for both parties.
Couples need to be vigilant in fostering a relationship where power is balanced. Power is an inherent component of any social relationship. By increasing awareness, couples can shift from "power over" to "power with," creating a more collaborative partnership. Through commitment to compassion, curiosity, and collaborative goal-setting, couples can build stronger, more meaningful connections, ultimately enhancing their overall relationship satisfaction.
