Parental Burnout

By: Dr. Kat Donina-Osipov, PsyD

Imagine working tirelessly without any vacation time or ability to take sick days or leave. Or an exercise routine where you work out the same muscle every day without any breaks for years. This will likely cause serious impairment; and the same goes for parenting. For many of us, parenting brings a lot of joy most of the time, but it can also be extremely challenging, emotionally taxing and requires a lot of attention and energy. These challenges are totally normal and ones we can usually work through when we are well rested, have a work life balance, and have support from our family and community. But what happens when we are using that same parent muscle without any breaks or supports and even top that off with other responsibilities and roles in our lives that require attention and energy? Burnout.

Burnout happens when there is too much stress and a lack of resources to cope with it (Roskam, 2018). Parent Burnout is a normal response to parenting when the stress of parenting outweighs the joys of being a parent. Individuals who experience parental burnout usually have a hard time feeling joy in their interactions with their children. “I’m supposed to be enjoying this. Why does this feel so hard right now?” “I don’t enjoy being with my children”, “I have nothing left to give” are common patterns of thinking for individuals experiencing parental burnout. Difficulty carrying out daily activities with their children, feelings of exhaustion, low frustration tolerance, increased sadness and anxiety may all be symptoms of parental burnout. Another major symptom associated with parental burnout is a feeling of shame. Many parents who experience parental burnout don’t share their feelings with their parenting partners, friends, or family due to feelings of shame, which increases isolation and loneliness.

If you are experiencing parental burnout, you are not alone. In a study looking across 42 countries and 17,409 parents, 71% of the parents reported experiencing parental burnout. The dangers of parental burnout were found to be higher than job burnout, with parent burnout more likely associated with suicidal and escape ideations. The authors suggested that this is likely due to the fact that parents can’t take leave from their children, as they could with their jobs, making it harder to cope with daily stressors. Although burnout has been reported to be increasingly high in response to the pandemic, it is certainly not exclusive to quarantine. Here are some things you can do if you are experiencing parental burnout:

1. Accept and validate this experience. Accept that this is what’s happening and that it’s common and OK to have these feelings. Sometimes we want to think we can do it all and we try to push through the hard days or just ignore our minds and bodies saying “I give up”, but the more you push against it, the harder it will be to work with it.

2. Stop shaming yourself and check your self-talk. Burnout means you have been working hard to meet the needs of your children while putting your own needs aside. You are not a bad parent, you are not weak, and you are not crazy.

3. What are some things you can let go of?

• Are there conflicts around meal times, bed times, or expectations that just need to be shifted to help things flow a little more easily?

• Can it be OK that your child doesn’t eat his vegetables for dinner today if he’s eating generally well-balanced meals?

• Can your daughter just wear that Christmas dress today to school, even though it’s not Christmas?

• Can you let the dishes sit in the sink until the morning and fold the laundry on the weekend?

Slightly shifting your expectations for yourself and your family during this time will help you create more room for rest, presence and peace.

4. Do one thing at a time.

• If you are playing with your child, put your phone away for ten minutes and just play.

• Try to let go of emails, calls, and outside noise.

Being present and mindful with our family can help us feel less overwhelmed and more focused. Small interactions that are focused are incredibly significant for our relationships.

5. Ask for help! Seek out support from your family, friends and community.

• Can grandma and grandpa sit with the kids while you go out and get a massage, go for a jog or even sit and enjoy a cup of coffee and a meal in quiet?

• Can you find a nanny share with a friend or your child’s classmate?

Research shows that Western countries where individualism is the cultural standard, report the highest prevalence of parent burnout in comparison to countries with a collectivistic culture, where sharing in family responsibilities is the norm (Affective Science, 2021).

7. Seek support from a professional. Talking to a therapist can help you work through the difficult emotions and daily stressors around parenting. In a trusting, therapeutic relationship, your therapist will work with you to come up with a plan that is realistic and effective.

Creating a space where YOUR needs are taken care of is key to overcoming burnout and getting back to being the parent and human you want to be.