Talking to Teens About Sex: Part 1
by: Julia Albores, LCSW
It’s probably hard to imagine a more stressful, or shall we say cringy, topic to talk with teens about than sex. Yet many teenagers, whether we talk about it or not, will engage in some form of sexual exploration and almost all teenagers are at least thinking about sex. Our teens are bombarded daily with messages about sex and relationships from social media, music, TV and friends. As parents, we need to be part of the conversation and the conversation needs to be ongoing, open-ended and courageous. Teens need to know how to take care of themselves, make decisions that reflect their values and stay safe. And beyond that, good conversations between teens and adults can help teens learn how to form caring, healthy romantic relationships. But how do we get past our own discomfort and reactions to the topic?
It’s probably hard to imagine a more stressful, or shall we say cringy, topic to talk with teens about than sex. Yet many teenagers, whether we talk about it or not, will engage in some form of sexual exploration and almost all teenagers are at least thinking about sex. Our teens are bombarded daily with messages about sex and relationships from social media, music, TV and friends. As parents, we need to be part of the conversation and the conversation needs to be ongoing, open-ended and courageous. Teens need to know how to take care of themselves, make decisions that reflect their values and stay safe. And beyond that, good conversations between teens and adults can help teens learn how to form caring, healthy romantic relationships. But how do we get past our own discomfort and reactions to the topic?
There are plenty of resources on talking to teens about sex, sexuality and healthy romantic relationships (I have listed several at the bottom of this article). But, before we talk specifics about the content of what we think should be discussed, we first need to address the emotional hurdle many of us face when discussing the topic of sex with our teens. We need to explore our expectations and what gets triggered for us as parents on the subject.
The more we get comfortable ourselves, the easier it will go, and the more comfortable our teens will feel coming to us. If we can be present for ourselves, we can be more open, grounded and present for our children and we create an environment where teens can feel safe enough to ask and explore tough questions.
Having conversations with your child about sex and healthy relationships from a young age will make it easier for your child to continue to explore the topic with you as they move into adolescence. Starting early with age appropriate conversations paves the road for harder conversations as they get older. Nevertheless the leap from the theoretical to the practical will likely feel a little to a lot uncomfortable.
Managing our reactions will put our kids more at ease to talk to us about their questions. So, the first thing we need to do is notice our reactions. When we notice our reactions before acting on them, we are being mindful. This means that we work to bring our conscious attention to what’s happening in our thoughts and emotions. Instead of getting hijacked by our emotions, we can practice noticing them. When we sit with and notice our emotions the discomfort eventually softens and on the other side of the emotional arc we are much more able to be present for our kids.
If mindfulness is new to you, this will feel hard at first, but it is a muscle that can be developed. If the emotions are very intense you may need to create a separate space from your teen to sit with and move through your emotional reaction. Try not to judge your emotions; be curious about them. What is the feeling? Do you feel the urge to run head on into the topic with strong emotion and judgment, or do you feel the urge to run away, hide or sleep. When the topic of sex comes up with your child do you notice a strong reaction in your body? Sudden tightness in your shoulders, clenched fists , increased heart rate or a sudden urge to sleep. Try not to judge it. Stay curious and remember if you stay with the feelings they will eventually soften and clearer thinking is on the other side. If you can be non-judgmental for yourself you are more likely to be able to approach your conversations with your teen from a non-judgmental stance.
As our children grow up, they do things that push themselves into new realms of responsibility and challenges. It can be intense and scary for them and for us as their parents. These leaps in what they take on can happen suddenly, and if it’s a first sexual encounter it can be particularly startling for parents. Mindfulness allows us to manage our emotional reactions and come back to the moment. For some it will allow us to stay engaged in a topic that causes discomfort and for others it will mean being mindful about not hitting the panic button and jumping into lecture mode that then pushes our kids further away.
All of this is layered and difficult to navigate, but managing your own internal reactions and emotions will put you in a better place to make good decisions through the process. Notice what is coming up for you and make sure to take time to process your own emotions. Remember we need to think about it as a series of interconnected conversations. You can come back to the conversation after you have had time to process it.
So what are some of the emotional hurdles?
Loss of innocence
Teenage romantic relationships are an important part of overall development. Nevertheless, exploring sexual behaviors comes with a certain sense of loss of innocence. As the parent, you will likely feel the growing pains of the loss and the growing separation this represents between you. You may find yourself revisiting your own childhood experiences. These things will likely trigger your own coming of age stories and what your parents said or didn’t say to you at the time. You may also feel the challenges of the generational gap. It can be helpful to make time to talk about all of this with a friend, a partner, or a therapist. When you can organize your own story, it’s much easier to separate it from your child’s experience and in doing so you will be more present for your teen.
Dissonance between your values and their choices
Perhaps your child’s current choices are in conflict with your own cultural or religious values. The challenge here will be to find a way to stay connected despite the feelings of loss and fear that are triggered by the distance these choices threaten to create. You will likely need to make room to grieve the loss around the expectations you held. If you can achieve moments of radical acceptance-- accepting reality for what it is, without judgment and without getting caught up in an emotional reaction to that reality-- you will be able to hold the conversation and the connection open. Radically accepting where your teen is at in the moment does not necessarily mean you approve the behavior. It does, however, allow you to hold your own values without assigning or expressing judgement to your teen which holds the window open for your teen to explore their own values with you.
Same-sex attraction and relationships for pre-teens and teenagers
For some young people, sexual development during adolescence will include same-sex attraction, experiences and relationships. Other young people might develop bisexual attraction.
Some pre-teens and teenagers might be quite clear about how they feel and who they’re attracted to. Others might feel confused if their feelings and attractions seem different from what their friends are experiencing. Either way, responding positively and non-judgmentally is a good first step. If you think you might have trouble being calm and positive, you may need to seek out your own support to help you process your feelings so that you can find your way to creating a nurturing and affirming environment for your teen (Book recommendation below).
Triggers around your own complicated sexual history.
For parents who have a history of sexual trauma being present for your child’s own experience can be particularly triggering. If your own sexual history involves situations that are emotionally hard to revisit, know that your discussions may be more complicated. Take care of yourself by only talking about the things you can. As an alternative you can point your teen in the direction of a good book on the subject (suggestions below) or another supportive individual from your network.
It’s really important to know that you don’t have to be perfect, you don’t have to know all the answers and you don’t have to have the perfect relationship yourself. The goal is to keep the conversation open. Keeping the conversation open is about using mindfulness to stay present, and practice leaning away from judgment and toward curiosity. The conversation does not have to be perfect. Your teen will likely not react with open arms and sustained attention. You may not get a lot of eye contact, or you may even get some eye rolling. But remember they do want this information and they do better overall when they can talk with you.
Books for Parents and Teens:
Girls and Sex, by Peggy Orenstein
Boys and Sex, by Peggy Orenstein
Sex, Teens and Everything in Between, by Shafia Zaloom.
Staying Connected to Your Teenager, by Mike Riera,PhD
Parenting Your LGBTQ+ Teen: A Guide to Supporting, Empowering and Connecting with Your Child, By Allan Sadac, MBA, LMFT
Ted Talks, Youtube and Podcasts:
TU139: Boys and Sex, Modern Young Men and Sexuality with Peggy Orenstein
What young women believe about their own sexual pleasure | Peggy Orenstein
