Talking to Teens About Sex: Part 2

by: Julia Albores, LCSW-R

When our kids are young, we spend most of our time talking to them about our expectations and defining clear limits and boundaries. As our kids grow into young adults, there is an important and necessary shift that happens. Teens continue to need our help to guide them, however at this stage the approach changes to listening more and talking a little less.

According to a recent study published in 2018 by Academic Societies, 90% of parents reported talking to their adolescents about sex, while only 39% of adolescents reported talking to their parents about the same. Most parents are bringing up the topic of sex with their their kids, but they are falling short on creating avenues for teens to talk to them.

If we want our kids to talk to us, we have to understand where their thinking is at the moment and we have to maintain an approach of curiosity. This means slowing down and taking time to just listen without reacting. Shifting to listening more is a practice that involves awareness, intention and perspective. The conversation should include a lot of open ended questions.

You can say, “hmm, I wonder what that was like for you.”, ‘“What came up for you?”, “ What were you feeling?” or “Tell me more about that.” You can even ask, “Do you want to know what I would do?” Of course, if they say no, we have to be ready to honor that.

Staying curious also means getting comfortable with being uncomfortable and not having all the answers. It’s an exploratory process where your teen is working to connect the dots for themselves. And yes, sometimes you will want to say “WHAT!? YOU DID WHAT?!” But, if we can hold this reaction back, we will keep teens in the conversation much longer. Of course, if you make a mistake, you can always come back and say, ‘I’m sorry I reacted so strongly. Let’s try that again.’ If you can contain the, ‘OH MY GOD!’ reaction, you will make room for your teen to explore and process their feelings with you.

When it comes to teens and sex, most kids deep down want meaningful connections. And the vast majority of young people—85 percent, according to a 2017 study conducted by Making Caring Common at the Harvard Graduate School of Education—want to have sex within a serious romantic relationship. When we make room for kids to express themselves openly, they have the critical experience of putting words to their feelings, intentions and longings.

If they voice their thoughts and feelings about what they want, they have the benefit of hearing themselves speak it out loud. Putting words to it makes it real and their own. These are vulnerable feelings. When teens feel judged, they bury their vulnerability and their longing for connection and intimacy goes with it.

Conversations about sex will inevitably bring up some strong emotions and reactions. In order to listen more, we need to work on our own emotional regulation. (Thoughts on managing your own emotional reactions and triggers were presented in last month’s newsletter) When you are emotionally regulated and calm, you are in a better place to read your child’s responses to the conversation. Are they relatively calm and open? Or have they started to shut down? If you notice that they have lost interest or become defensive, it’s probably a good time to take a break. Remember, keeping them open to talking with you is more important than getting out any specific content at the moment. If you can keep them open to talking with you, you can always come back to the topic at a later date. In fact, you might find that they come looking for you next time.

Some teens may feel the need to keep secrets or even lie to create distance. Some degree of secrecy, and even lying, is a normal part of adolescence. Lying is one way that kids assert separation and autonomy. We don’t want to get sidetracked by the lying and miss the more important moment. You can express that you don’t approve of the lying, but bring the focus back to finding a way to open up the conversation.

The goal is to make home a safe place to refuel and process experiences, emotions and feelings. Sometimes this will mean backing off of the conversation and letting them fumble through the confusion on their own for a while. There is a delicate balance between creating structure and limits and providing space for our teenagers to find their own way through the mess. If we come on too strong they will shut us out. Children are driven by a need to feel mastery of their world. When we come on strong, we run the risk of pushing them away and toward risky behaviors. We need to remember that they want and need to be connected with us even when they are pushing us away.

When young people figure things out on their own (even when guided by us!), they are more likely to follow the solutions and hold healthy values as their own. Conversations with adults are a good way for teens to connect with their values. They are less likely to have such clear conversations with their peers. Keeping the conversation going is about staying present, remembering to listen more and practicing curiosity. The conversation does not have to be perfect. The practice of listening and staying curious is a skill that is developed over time. And remember they do want these conversations and they do better when they can talk with you.