Fostering Secure Attachments With Your Children

By: Elsa Obus, PhD

The words secure and insecure attachment show up often these days in podcasts, books, Instagram posts, Tik Toks, and casual conversation, but what is attachment and how can you foster a secure attachment style with your child?

Attachment is a concept originally coined by John Bowlby (1969) and expanded on by Mary Ainsworth (1978). Essentially, attachment theory explains how people develop a pattern of beliefs and behaviors about themselves and their connections to others. “Secure attachments” develop when children learn that they can rely on their caregivers for connection and support. As children (and teens and adults) develop these experiences with caregivers, they also expand their beliefs to include that they are loveable and worthy of this care and that others in their life will also treat them with care and support. Attachment patterns are not static and even as adults we are constantly updating our attachment beliefs. This is why the loving support of a great friend, teacher, mentor, or partner can be so impactful at any point in our lives.  

But how do we help children get a strong start on attachment in early life? I used to lead attachment-based support groups for parents and we would use a tree metaphor (shown below; Muzik et al., 2015) to work through how parents can support their children in developing secure attachments, confident senses of self, and beliefs in the positive power of relationships with others. I’d love to share it with you because I find it to be a really straightforward and intuitive way of breaking down attachment. 

The bottom of the tree represents times that children come to us for connection or a sense of “safe haven.” In these “building roots” moments, children are looking for us to nurture them, restore their emotional balance, or repair a rupture. There are many different ways to nurture, restore, and repair with children and the best versions will be based on the expertise you already have about what makes your children feel loved. Nurturing may look like remembering to bring a favorite snack for the walk home, braiding your child’s hair, or snuggling up to watch a favorite TV show with your teen. These are baseline, often recurring activities, that make your child feel seen and cared for. Restoring may look like helping your child take deep breaths or drink a glass of water when upset, meeting your tween with some calm energy and problem-solving when they tell you they’ve lost their English book, helping your teen talk through friendship drama, or texting your college student words of affirmation before a big exam. Repairing may look like apologizing to your child after a disagreement and making a plan together about how things can be different next time.

Importantly, meltdowns or tantrums are building roots moments! In these moments, children need us to help them regulate and restore their emotional balance. I would highly recommend checking out the work of @themompsychologist, @drbeckyatgoodinside, @attachmentnerd, @highimpactclub, and @thegamereducator for great advice on how to keep your cool and foster attachment in these moments, although often even just remembering that they are a building roots moment (where your child needs to feel connected to you) can be helpful. 

Growing Branches

The top of the tree represents times that children come to us for support exploring the world. In these moments, children use us as a “secure base” from which they can jump off and explore. In these “branching out” moments, children need us to enjoy with them, help them, or attend to them. Enjoying may look like cheering from the sidelines at your child’s sports game, ooo-ing and ahh-ing as they complete a weird science experiment in your kitchen, willingly listening to the ins and outs of the Warrior Cats series, attending a concert together, or making the trek to college to watch their first acapella performance. Helping may look like working on an extra difficult shrine level from Legend of Zelda together, turning the pages while your child practices the piano, running lines with them for the school play, or staying up late talking through which classes your college student wants to take. Attending may look like running along beside their early bike rides, letting them practice their solo commute to school as you walk the dog a full block behind them, or checking in when they’re playing with their cool older cousins, but may want an out to “help you in the kitchen.”

Putting it Together 

You may notice that in the picture the roots and the branches extend the same distance – this is on purpose. We all want to help children feel confident and explore the world, but it is only possible (or at least significantly easier) to grow your branches as far as you have already built your roots. For this reason, when children are trying new things – transitioning to a new grade, going to sleepaway camp for the first time, trying out a new activity, or going off to college – they may need extra building roots moments with you. They are trying to recharge their batteries and build up enough attachment strength to be able to take on these new branching out moments. Don’t worry – this is not a regression; this is an extension of the root system they already have in the service of growing more branches! 

Additionally, most people have one part of the tree that they feel more comfortable with. You may be a parent who loves getting cozy with your child and talking to them about feelings, but starts to feel a little panicky when you think about them going off campus for lunch by themselves or turning in a piece of homework you haven’t checked. On the other hand, you may be a parent who loves cheering your child on, watching them try new things, and enjoying their stories of adventure, but you feel yourself freezing up when you think about co-regulating with your child in a big emotional moment or apologizing to your child. This is very normal. An honest moment of thought or conversation with your parenting partner, best friend, or therapist about this tree concept, can help you notice your areas of comfort and discomfort when it comes to attachment behaviors. Extra insight about ourselves is incredibly helpful when dealing with difficult situations. 

At Interactive Discovery, all of our clinicians use attachment theory as a basis for understanding how children, teens, and adults develop patterns of beliefs about, behaviors toward, and connections with others. If you’re interested in exploring your own attachment patterns and/or those of your children, therapy is a great place to talk through these ideas. Additionally, even just beginning to pause and ask yourself “Is this a branching out or building roots moment?” and “Which of these things – nurture, restore, repair or enjoy, help, attend – might my child need from me?” is an excellent place to get started incorporating some purposeful secure attachment.